Draft 1
In revising my paper I feel as though my paper is very elementary. This process made me want to enhance my vocabulary. I know I have potential to be a writer, but my grammar is a mess. The purpose was to write a creative nonfiction essay that explores the past month of my life. I decided to write about my experience attending my father final court date. Pouring the event on paper a theme of stress and anxiety came across and set the tone of my experience to the event. The social system of the event helped my life because I realize that I help people before I help myself. Maybe I found the reason why I don’t have the things I want or is on the way of getting the things I want. Experiencing a major change in a relationship I had with my dad and my step mom, made it harder to focus on my writings. Everyday could have been a new story, and they all were attached to this main scene of my dad’s court date. The style of this creative piece is supposed to both blend narrative and expository writing by showing and telling text. Showing text is writing the scene with descriptions that make the reader visualize what is happening. Telling text is background information that you did not include in the description of the scene. It also brings the reader in a full circle as a clue to what or why this scene occurred. For an example in my story, I added a scene about a guy that went before my dad with the same lawyer.
“The first case was for this twenty-one year old even though he looked thirty-In my opinion- he was charged with violating his parole and drug possession. He had got caught in the middle of a sale. His whole family was there with him and he had the same lawyer as my dad.
“Oh please judge I’m so sorry and I promise I won’t do it again it time to focus on my family and my unborn child. I don’t want to be in trouble anymore.” He walked away with 8 years of probation.”
I added this in so that I could show why I felt so uneasy to how the judge would react to my dad’s case. I explained how in the next few sentences.
“The judge said “ If I see you again in this courtroom for anything even a ticket, dirty urine, anything you will serve that time in jail, up state!” listening to the judge made me worry about the fate of my father.”
At one point of my paper, I lost the reader with a conversation. The conversion didn’t make sense, like random people talking.
EX: “Ricky R. Collins” I couldn’t hear anything else but his name and he took the stand.
“You know he’s charge with having eight grams of cocaine the minimum is 1-3 years. This is not the first time he has been in trouble. The 1st in 1990 that was drug related and the 2nd in 2010 for having dogs in a dangerous living condition. Now this and he had got off on probation for every single one. He’s obviously didn’t learn his lesson. Therefore probation should not be granted in this situation.” As she fix her suit jacket and took her seat with a look that stated “It is what it is so what you got to say judge?”
“Mr. Collins has been moving forward since his arrest. He’s applied to several job applications that I have here. Printed the many emails stated they have accepted his applications. He’s a family man with his daughter here with him now” stating as he pointed at me. Felt like everybody turned and looked at me. He continued “he is ready to be a legal working man. He has worked and did some work at his dad’s contractors. Mornings he takes his youngest daughter to school, and picks her up at 3:15 every day. So house arrest will be appropriate for this occasion because it will allow him to work and be off the streets.”
“Mr. Collins do you have any last words?” the judge asked. He didn’t even look at him in waiting for a response. The courtroom temperature dropped all of sudden it felt colder than my dad spoke.
“Judge I can give you my word that this is my last time. This is not the life I want to neither live nor show my kids. Everything I do I do for them. I’m sorry and I promise you won’t see me again.” He stated followed by a deep breath.
I then realize that I had to add something to connect the reader back. I had to add a perspective of my dad not just through the courts eye. - Thanks to my professor input. - I added this instead:
As she fix her suit jacket and took her seat with a look that stated “It is what it is so what you got to say judge?”
The lawyer jumped in “Mr. Collins has been moving forward since his arrest. He’s applied to several job applications that I have here. I printed the many emails stating they have accepted his applications. He’s a family man with his daughter here with him now” stating as he pointed at me. Felt like everybody turned and looked at me. He continued “he is ready to be a legal working man. He has worked and did some work at his dad’s contractor business. Mornings he takes his youngest daughter to school, and picks her up at 3:15 every day. So house arrest will be appropriate for this occasion because it will allow him to work and be off the streets.”
“Mr. Collins do you have any last words?” the judge asked. He didn’t even look at him in waiting for a response. The courtroom temperature dropped all of sudden it felt colder than my dad spoke.
“Judge I can give you my word that this is my last time. This is not the life I want to neither live nor show my kids. Everything I do I do for them. I’m sorry and I promise you won’t see me again.” He stated followed by a deep breath.
Yeah my dad sold drugs but he did it because when he got arrested he lost his nursing job. Back then he couldn’t get his job back after his arrest. Things are different now. He can have a job with his record. He never stopped because it paid the bills and made sure we had what we needed. I am sure this is the last time. I saw it in his eyes when he looked back at me before the judge spoke. I believed him.
Before I start writing my paper I try to clear my mind completely from anything that can come in between me going back in that memory. I like to play soft music in the background, that way my words come out as swiftly as the words of the song. Hype music is kind of distracting. I also like to be by myself or not to close to people. The best time for me to work on my paper is right after class. I can add all the things that are needed and ideas just come pouring out so I got write in the library. In the library I try to make sure that I’m in a place where there are less people and I have enough space to write in my bubble. I like to just zone out and type. I feel like the keyboard helps me get my words on the paper. I don’t like writing it. My handwriting on paper starts to change by the paragraph or page. I have more errors then good sentences. I have a problem with writing at the bottom of the paper so I waste paper because I stop mid way down. At the computer I have everything. I have the word document and the internet for my music.
When I started writing I thought that this paper was suppose to be totally different. I had plotted out these events that can show the theme of my anxiety and stress in my writing. After I talked it over with my professor he suggested that I should just stick with what I wrote. This made me gained a problem because I felt like I then lost my purpose in my paper. What’s the ending?
Now I will share my workshop notes and link 2 drafts of the essay.
“The first case was for this twenty-one year old even though he looked thirty-In my opinion- he was charged with violating his parole and drug possession. He had got caught in the middle of a sale. His whole family was there with him and he had the same lawyer as my dad.
“Oh please judge I’m so sorry and I promise I won’t do it again it time to focus on my family and my unborn child. I don’t want to be in trouble anymore.” He walked away with 8 years of probation.”
I added this in so that I could show why I felt so uneasy to how the judge would react to my dad’s case. I explained how in the next few sentences.
“The judge said “ If I see you again in this courtroom for anything even a ticket, dirty urine, anything you will serve that time in jail, up state!” listening to the judge made me worry about the fate of my father.”
At one point of my paper, I lost the reader with a conversation. The conversion didn’t make sense, like random people talking.
EX: “Ricky R. Collins” I couldn’t hear anything else but his name and he took the stand.
“You know he’s charge with having eight grams of cocaine the minimum is 1-3 years. This is not the first time he has been in trouble. The 1st in 1990 that was drug related and the 2nd in 2010 for having dogs in a dangerous living condition. Now this and he had got off on probation for every single one. He’s obviously didn’t learn his lesson. Therefore probation should not be granted in this situation.” As she fix her suit jacket and took her seat with a look that stated “It is what it is so what you got to say judge?”
“Mr. Collins has been moving forward since his arrest. He’s applied to several job applications that I have here. Printed the many emails stated they have accepted his applications. He’s a family man with his daughter here with him now” stating as he pointed at me. Felt like everybody turned and looked at me. He continued “he is ready to be a legal working man. He has worked and did some work at his dad’s contractors. Mornings he takes his youngest daughter to school, and picks her up at 3:15 every day. So house arrest will be appropriate for this occasion because it will allow him to work and be off the streets.”
“Mr. Collins do you have any last words?” the judge asked. He didn’t even look at him in waiting for a response. The courtroom temperature dropped all of sudden it felt colder than my dad spoke.
“Judge I can give you my word that this is my last time. This is not the life I want to neither live nor show my kids. Everything I do I do for them. I’m sorry and I promise you won’t see me again.” He stated followed by a deep breath.
I then realize that I had to add something to connect the reader back. I had to add a perspective of my dad not just through the courts eye. - Thanks to my professor input. - I added this instead:
As she fix her suit jacket and took her seat with a look that stated “It is what it is so what you got to say judge?”
The lawyer jumped in “Mr. Collins has been moving forward since his arrest. He’s applied to several job applications that I have here. I printed the many emails stating they have accepted his applications. He’s a family man with his daughter here with him now” stating as he pointed at me. Felt like everybody turned and looked at me. He continued “he is ready to be a legal working man. He has worked and did some work at his dad’s contractor business. Mornings he takes his youngest daughter to school, and picks her up at 3:15 every day. So house arrest will be appropriate for this occasion because it will allow him to work and be off the streets.”
“Mr. Collins do you have any last words?” the judge asked. He didn’t even look at him in waiting for a response. The courtroom temperature dropped all of sudden it felt colder than my dad spoke.
“Judge I can give you my word that this is my last time. This is not the life I want to neither live nor show my kids. Everything I do I do for them. I’m sorry and I promise you won’t see me again.” He stated followed by a deep breath.
Yeah my dad sold drugs but he did it because when he got arrested he lost his nursing job. Back then he couldn’t get his job back after his arrest. Things are different now. He can have a job with his record. He never stopped because it paid the bills and made sure we had what we needed. I am sure this is the last time. I saw it in his eyes when he looked back at me before the judge spoke. I believed him.
Before I start writing my paper I try to clear my mind completely from anything that can come in between me going back in that memory. I like to play soft music in the background, that way my words come out as swiftly as the words of the song. Hype music is kind of distracting. I also like to be by myself or not to close to people. The best time for me to work on my paper is right after class. I can add all the things that are needed and ideas just come pouring out so I got write in the library. In the library I try to make sure that I’m in a place where there are less people and I have enough space to write in my bubble. I like to just zone out and type. I feel like the keyboard helps me get my words on the paper. I don’t like writing it. My handwriting on paper starts to change by the paragraph or page. I have more errors then good sentences. I have a problem with writing at the bottom of the paper so I waste paper because I stop mid way down. At the computer I have everything. I have the word document and the internet for my music.
When I started writing I thought that this paper was suppose to be totally different. I had plotted out these events that can show the theme of my anxiety and stress in my writing. After I talked it over with my professor he suggested that I should just stick with what I wrote. This made me gained a problem because I felt like I then lost my purpose in my paper. What’s the ending?
Now I will share my workshop notes and link 2 drafts of the essay.